Ah, Florida- it’s like the Wakanda of stupid. Out of all 50 states, it’s easily our favorite, if for nothing else then for its role as America’s no.1 global exporter of insanity. So here is a round of crazy Florida man stories for your enjoyment.
Florida man takes his cat to strip club
Despite many strip clubs being named things like ‘Pussycat Lounge’ or something similar, they have a very strict no pets allowed policy. That didn’t stop Florida man Everett Lages from trying to enter Emerald City Gentlemen’s Club with his pet cat.
Perhaps it was the cat’s birthday, because Lages insisted on being allowed entry, and when he was barred from entering by security, he promptly called 911. Even after deputies were already on the scene, Lages kept calling 911, and was eventually arrested for disorderly conduct and misusing 911.
Florida man arrested for fighting drag queen with tiki torch runs for mayor
We’re all about self-improvement, but maybe stay out of politics if you’ve got some bad ju-ju in your past. In Halloween 2012, Boyd Corbin put on a KKK costume- ironically, of course- grabbed a tiki torch, and then headed over to a local gay bar for an epic Halloween party.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the night ended with Boyd getting into a fight with a drag queen while wielding his lit tiki torch, which landed him in court facing an aggravated assault charge. Despite this, Mr. Corbin decided to run for mayor of his town, and also unsurprisingly only received 39 votes.
Florida man trapped in unlocked closet for two days
No, we’re not messing with the headline. There’s no big reveal here- the door wasn’t unlocked but barred by some fallen debris perhaps. The door was just… unlocked. Florida man John Arwood and his girlfriend, Amber Campbell, alleged that they were chased into a janitor’s closet at Daytona State College and waited two days to call 911. When police got there, the couple realized the door was unlocked, and promptly let themselves out.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, along with piles of human poop the police also found copper scouring pads used to smoke crack- so likely, the couple didn’t wait two days to call 911 so much as that’s how long it took for their crack supply to run out and them to sober up enough to call for help. Except the door was unlocked the entire time. Florida, don’t you ever stop being you.
Florida man calls 911, asks for a ride to Hooters
Florida man Jonathan Hinkle wanted a ride to Hooters so bad that he called 911. But wait, because he had a good excuse: his grandmother was in the parking lot and had just suffered a stroke, so he desperately needed to get to her.
Ok, you might think, that’s kind of a legitimate reason. Except upon arrival, deputies scoured the parking lot and nearby locations for three hours, before finding the grandmother at a completely different location. Unsurprisingly, she had not called anyone for help and had not suffered a stroke. Mr. Hinkle was arrested for misusing 911.
Florida man arrested after botched amateur castration surgery
Florida man Gary Van Ryswyk had a strange fetish for castrations, but not as in wanting it performed on himself, but rather to be the one performing it. With absolutely no medical training whatsoever, Mr. Ryswyk found a willing participant on a dark web site and outfitted one of the rooms in his house into a makeshift surgical theater.
After botching said surgery, Mr. Ryswyk called 911 but hung up, prompting the police to perform a check-in where the distraught Ryswyk admitted he needed serious help with his patient. Police found the man bleeding profusely on a bed, and his two recently detached testicles in a container. Apparently Mr Ryswyk had not been able to properly sew his patient back together again.
We really, really hate that the local Sheriff’s office already beat us to this, but in their own words, “Van Ryswyk dropped the ball on this one.” Another incredible quip from what’s without a doubt the best Sheriff’s department in the country included this statement on their Facebook announcement of Mr. Ryswyk’s arrest: “This one is a little… let’s just say sensitive. You could even say it’s kinda nuts.” And that’s how you protect and serve people.
Florida man tries to get gator drunk, gets bitten instead
Claiming he wasn’t intoxicated at the time, Florida man Timothy Kepke explained to police how he had been attacked by an alligator after his buddy had captured it and he’d tried to feed it beer. Luckily for the two, the alligator was relatively young and small, as it promptly bit down on Kepke’s hand as he tried to get it drunk. Both Kepke and his friend ended up being arrested and charged with unlawfully taking an alligator.
Florida man tries to evade cops by cartwheeling
After being seized by police for blocking traffic, Gianfranco Fernandez managed to wiggle free of the police attempting to arrest him. Rather than take off running though, Mr. Fernandez had a different strategy- he began cartwheeling in the middle of the street.
Turns out cartwheeling isn’t a very effective escape method, because police almost immediately tackled him and took him into custody, where he faced charges of battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting arrest.
Florida man dies after cockroach eating contest
In North Korea a cockroach eating contest is what they call buffets, but in Florida, a cockroach eating contest being held by a local pet shop turned out to be lethal. The competition, held by a reptile pet shop in Deerfield Beach, came with the grand prize of winning an $850 python.
Personally, we do our best to stay away from large snakes, but in Florida, eating a bunch of cockroaches to win a snake is what they call a pretty sweet deal- dinner and a prize.
The contest had between 20 and 30 contestants- which is a figure that just blows our mind, we figured maybe four or five people would be willing to partake, but then we remembered, ah, yes, Florida. The rules were simple: the man to eat the most live cockroaches and worms would be the winner.
Edward Archbold was declared the winner, only to fall seriously ill immediately afterwards. Rushed to the emergency room, Mr. Archbold would die from the ordeal, with a later autopsy determining that he had asphyxiated from all the insects– many of which he had swallowed still alive.
Florida man takes golf cart on a rampage through Walmart
Walmart, it’s basically the Florida of retailers, which makes this next story peak Florida. After getting into a verbal altercation with a liquor store manager, Michael Dale Hudson blocked the entrance to the said liquor store with his golf cart.
The manager called the police for help, and as deputies began talking with Mr. Hudson, he suddenly launched into a very low-speed chase. Hudson ran his golf cart inside a Walmart entrance, striking several shoppers on his way to the checkout area, where he eventually crashed his golf cart into a register.
For his incident of boomer golf cart road rage, Mr. Hudson faced multiple charges, including aggravated battery. No mention if Mr. Hudson was on drugs or drunk at the time, but nobody- and we mean nobody- drives a golf cart into a Walmart completely sober.
Florida man attacks ATM for giving him too much money
You know what, we don’t even have a punchline for this one. This story is exactly what it sounds like- a Florida man using a Wells Fargo ATM promptly threw himself into a fist fight with the machine when it gave him too much money by accident. Shockingly, the man was not on drugs or inebriated, simply very irritated and running late to work. Florida, you take our breath away.
Florida man attacks girlfriend with ketchup
Arrested for domestic battery, Florida man Jacob Peter Wagman accused his girlfriend of infidelity as he woke her up in the middle of the night by pouring ketchup all over her and yelling, “That’s what you get”. When police arrived to arrest Mr. Wagman he denied the incident, despite having ketchup all over one side of his pants.
The couple, unsurprisingly, had previously been warned by law enforcement and even arrested for battery against each other, though the charges were dropped. What may be surprising is that police suspected no drug or alcohol use was involved in the incident, just regular old crazy Florida man.
Florida man too busy road raging to realize he’s driving into a tornado
Recording his daily commute on a dash cam, Florida Alpha Male Anthony Joseph Ciarrochi was too busy yelling at other drivers to realize he was driving straight into a tornado. Angered by traffic slowing down and cars pulling over, Ciarrochi ranted and raved at his fellow commuters, utterly oblivious to the fact that the reason they were slowing down was because of a massive tornado directly ahead. Ciarrochi survived the incident, because there’s no justice in the world, and will likely go on to create entire generations of Florida man offspring.